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The Debate

My husband and I have this never-ending debate. It all starts when we go to watch a movie at home in the evening. More often than not, I will fall asleep. It's not because I'm uninterested in the movie. It's actually because it's one of the first times I've sat down all day long, and I'm beat. So husband feels abandoned and stuck watching a movie by himself. I can see the validity when it's a movie he's not very interested in, but when it's his choice, how can he feel so forlorn? To me, it's no big deal, but it's always a big deal to him. Each time, the same debate comes up. I finally said to him, "So we keep talking about this, but what can we do? Can you just turn off the movie?" Instead he prefers to poke me and try to keep me awake, which only makes me grumpy because I'm tired.

Does this happen to you? Am I being insensitive to his feelings or should he just take action and push pause if he wants to? Is he justified in poking me? (HA!)


Alicia said...

Here's something that in theory, I think might work:

If you could let him know in the kindest of ways (which I'm not a pro at, admittedly) that you would LOVE to watch a movie and spend time with him, but you are just so tired and if he could help you more with the girls after he gets home from work or with the cleaning or whatever and if you could start the movie a little earlier and if the movie could be something he likes, and then the next time, something you like, and switch off then maybe you guys could work together on this. If he feels like he misses you, that is a good thing count your blessings.

Nammy GeNee said...

There comes a time when you have to part ways and watch your own movies. Men and women just don't like the same genre. My mantra is get your own television.

Vashti said...

Funny thing is this is the exact OPPOSITE in my house. My husband falls asleep the moment he sits down, so I am often watching things all by myself. It's frustrating for me b/c when I can finally talk to him or spend time with him uninterrupted, he is conked out. Even though I am beat it is hard to turn my brain off to fall asleep and so I am often frustrated at being awake all by myself.

He gets upset if he realizes he has fallen asleep, because in theory, he WANTS to watch movie/spend time with me but does get cranky and upset with being repeatedly woken up. After much weeping and gnashing of teeth we have both realized that this is just a fact of life for us. If there is something we both really want to watch together, we either watch it in installments (start it over at the part he fell asleep at) or in the case of going to the movies a caffeinated beverage normally does the trick.

I have learned to not get so mad at him, because I know how much it frustrates him also, but it took us a while to get to that point! Hang in there, I know EXACTLY how you feel!

Nancy Campbell Allen said...

I think the point is just being together. My husband or I often fall asleep when we're watching something together, but I like that we're snuggling and are just physically together for a few moments in the day.

Maybe just tell him he's more important than the movie anyway, and the point is you just want to be with him. Then kiss his neck or make his favorite dessert. A little manipulation works every time. ;-)

Journey to Crunchville said...

I would venture that the issue at play, like others have touched upon, has little to do with movies and more to do with feelings of abandonment and neglect. Not that anyone is probably being abandoned or neglected by any actuality but it is all about perception. Most likely that is your "quality time" together and he feels cheated by missing out on any with you.

Is there any way you could implement a date morning/afternoon/evening on a regular basis? Maybe trade childcare with a friend? Try watching a movie with him during the day or if evenings is the only time set periodic "breaks" where you get up and stretch, get a drink, go potty, do some jumping jacks, anything to help get more oxygen to your brain. :) Also, make sure the light is on if that helps.

In the end, have a discussion about what is really going on. It is less likely about the falling asleep during movies which admittedly can be annoying but not worth fighting over but more likely it is a reflection of insecurity and fear that your time with him is not as valuable to you as it is to him. He may know on a logical level that, that is hogwash but emotionally he may struggle with feeling like he is "always" last in line for your attention.

Alicia said...

Brandon always falls asleep as soon as he's comfortable. So our relationship is cleaning/cooking/working outside/walking outside, etc. Once he sits/lays down, he's out. I'm like Vashti, "tired but wired".

Holly said...

I love your mantra, GeNee. That is so funny!

Thanks for the great input. Vashti, it's nice to see the opposite view better. And Crunchville, I'm glad you identified the issue.

Thanks everyone!

marti said...

Just way what my mother-in-law says - "I wasn't sleeping, I was just resting my eyes!" :)